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 22/06/2008, 18:48
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Gluestick
 
Joined on 22/03/2006
UK and Nord Pas de Calais
Posts 2,343
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![Big Smile [:D]](/cs/images/emotions/biggrin.gif)
Re: Silly joke- Series2
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True conversations with the Control Tower.
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
"Yes, but that apart, Mrs Lincoln, did you enjoy the play?"
Gluestick
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22/06/2008, 19:45
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powerdesal
Joined on 07/01/2006
Fujeirah, U.A.E
Posts 2,240
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On a similar aircraft theme, and this is strickly true.
A flight of two USAF aircraft from Alconbury on a low level exercise in Wales came under RAF Brawdy control and reported they had "forgotten" their call signs.
They were immediatly instructed to adopt call signs "stupid 1 and stupid 2", which of course they did. Brawdy then phoned Alconbury and the USAF pilots had to to use their Stupid call signs for the rest of the sortie.
It was magic.
Steve
Fujeirah Emirate, U.A.E + 50 (in France)
...........................................................................
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22/06/2008, 20:40
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nectarine
Joined on 02/08/2007
Lot-et-Garonne
Posts 253
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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. she puts her lover in the cupboard, not
realising that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy - '£750'
man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy -'£1,000.'
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church
and make you confess.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that sh*t again. You're in my cupboard now'
If you look like your passport picture, then you probably need the holiday.
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02/07/2008, 7:02
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ErnieY
Joined on 05/12/2006
W of Cahors (46)
Posts 4,156
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Computer Problem
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was leaving I called after him, 'So, what was wrong' ?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error'.
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error, what's that iIn case I need to fix it again.'?
Richard grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down, ' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
...I used to like the little ***.....
My doctor said one drink per day, I can live with that !
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26/09/2008, 20:03
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TWINKLE
Joined on 11/03/2006
Tarn 81
Posts 3,930
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ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE
It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work drink with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As men will.) ![Smile [:)]](/cs/images/emotions/smile.gif)
Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £20.00..........on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'"
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a £20 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said:
'Paint my house.'
![Stick out tongue [:P]](/cs/images/emotions/tongue.gif)
--
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26/09/2008, 20:44
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sweet 17
Joined on 05/08/2006
charente maritime
Posts 2,965
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Loved the joke, Twinks. OH laughed out loud but, him being a Welshman, perhaps you share the same sense of humour?
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26/09/2008, 20:57
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TWINKLE
Joined on 11/03/2006
Tarn 81
Posts 3,930
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I will PM you a very funny (blue) welsh joke for your husband sweets!
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30/09/2008, 16:58
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ErnieY
Joined on 05/12/2006
W of Cahors (46)
Posts 4,156
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In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said:
'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'
He
gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: 'You have 6 months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark.
'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?'
'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed.
I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden
because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.
We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.
Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs
of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the
decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them
and we live in a Site of Special Scientific interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that
I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still
trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters
I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons.
They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.
To
make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming
I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. '
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'
'No,' said the Lord. '..........the British Labour Government beat me to
it
My doctor said one drink per day, I can live with that !
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France Forum » General Discuss... » Other Topics » Re: Silly joke- Series2
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