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 12/05/2008, 15:21
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now just john
 
Joined on 28/04/2005
Montignac le coq
Posts 365
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LITTLE JOHNNY ON GETTING OLDER
Little JOHNNY was sitting in the park scoffing one chocolate bar after another. After the 6th one an old man next to him said,
"eating all that chocolate isn't good for you.
It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little JOHNNY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "But did your grandfather eat 6 chocolate bars at a time?"
Little JOHNNY answered, "No, but he minded his own damn business. . ."
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20/06/2008, 8:39
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powerdesal
Joined on 07/01/2006
Sharjah U.A.E
Posts 2,023
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Recently, a large hospital hired several cannibals to
increase their
> > diversity.
> >
> > "You are all part of our team now," said the Human
Resources rep during
> > the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you
can go to
> > the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any
employees."
> >
> > So the cannibals promised they would not, and started work.
> >
> > Four weeks later their boss called them all into the office and
remarked,
> > "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work.
We have
> > noticed a marked increase in the whole hospital's performance.
However,
> > one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what
happened
> > to her?"
> >
> > The cannibals all shook their heads and said "No."
> >
> > After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the
others,
> > "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose
hesitantly. "You
> > fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been
eating managers
> > and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat
someone
> > who actually does something..."
Steve
Sharjah + 50 (in France)
...........................................................................
Roll on death.....Demob is too far away.
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20/06/2008, 8:41
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powerdesal
Joined on 07/01/2006
Sharjah U.A.E
Posts 2,023
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Discovered in my old e mails box:-
Dear
All
My sincere thanks
to all those who have sent me emails this past year........
I must send my
thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poo in the glue on envelopes
because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs
sealing.
I also now have to
scrub the top of every can I open, for the same reason!
I no longer have
any bank savings because I gave it to a sick kiddie who is about to die in the
hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have
any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000.000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special
e-mail program .........
Or from the senior
bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7 million for pretending to be a
long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.
I no longer worry
about my soul because I have 363,214 freaking angels looking out for me, and
St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer use
cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a rancid water buffalo on a
hot day!
Thanks to all of
you,
I have learned
that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your
concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains and
explodes with mentos.
I no longer can
buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer
won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer go to
shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer
the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a
phone bill with calls to Jamaica
, Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .
I can't use
anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under
the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.
And thanks to your
great advice,
I can't even pick
up the 20 bucks I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed
there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg!
If you don't send
this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 73 minutes, a large dove
with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas
from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy
hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician.
By the
way....after a lengthy study, a South Australian scientist has discovered that
people with low IQ and poor sexual prowess always read their e-mails with their
hand on the mouse.
............................................Don't
bother taking it off now, it's too late!
Yours sincerely
Disillusioned
email reader....
Steve
Sharjah + 50 (in France)
...........................................................................
Roll on death.....Demob is too far away.
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20/06/2008, 12:23
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Christine Animal
Joined on 14/05/2005
Deux-Sèvres
Posts 4,112
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People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan
appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman
who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact
that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man; replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man
"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY
for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."
animalaidsaintaubin.monsite.orange.fr/
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful
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20/06/2008, 12:38
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Dick Smith
Joined on 23/08/2004
Surrey and Manche (Pays Mortainais)
Posts 8,731
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After you with that bottle...
Regards
Dick Smith
Nowhere is there warmth to be found
Among those afraid of losing their ground
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20/06/2008, 13:42
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Gluestick
Joined on 22/03/2006
UK and Nord Pas de Calais
Posts 2,342
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![Big Smile [:D]](/cs/images/emotions/biggrin.gif)
Re: Silly joke- Series2
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Reminds of that old but wonderful joke about the temperance meeting in Scotland........................
Having waxed lyrical over the dangers of the Demon Drink and John Barleycorn etc, the preacher then said:
"My friends! I shall present to ye a wee demonstration of the evils of the Demon Drink!"
He proceeded to drop two live worms into two tall tumblers.
"Ye will observe ma friends, that the wee wurm on the left is wriggling and happy: that tumbler contains poure water, Adam's Ale, God's gift to all 'a mankind!"
"Ye will note that the wee worm on the right has ceased moving because he is dead! And that tumbler, " he thundered," Contains pure whusky, the Devil's poison!"
"Now, my friends, what does this tell ye?"
A man, sotto voce rumbled from the rear,
"If ye drink whusky, ye dinna suffer wi worms!"
"Yes, but that apart, Mrs Lincoln, did you enjoy the play?"
Gluestick
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21/06/2008, 9:49
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ErnieY
Joined on 05/12/2006
Nr Prayssac (Lot)
Posts 2,952
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Who was Jesus ?
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian :
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian :
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1 He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 conclusive arguments that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.
My doctor said one drink per day, I can live with that !
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22/06/2008, 18:48
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Gluestick
Joined on 22/03/2006
UK and Nord Pas de Calais
Posts 2,342
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Re: Silly joke- Series2
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True conversations with the Control Tower.
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
"Yes, but that apart, Mrs Lincoln, did you enjoy the play?"
Gluestick
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22/06/2008, 19:45
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powerdesal
Joined on 07/01/2006
Sharjah U.A.E
Posts 2,023
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On a similar aircraft theme, and this is strickly true.
A flight of two USAF aircraft from Alconbury on a low level exercise in Wales came under RAF Brawdy control and reported they had "forgotten" their call signs.
They were immediatly instructed to adopt call signs "stupid 1 and stupid 2", which of course they did. Brawdy then phoned Alconbury and the USAF pilots had to to use their Stupid call signs for the rest of the sortie.
It was magic.
Steve
Sharjah + 50 (in France)
...........................................................................
Roll on death.....Demob is too far away.
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France Forum » General Discuss... » Other Topics » Silly joke- Series2
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