Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
And another
A man owned a small farm in Minnesota. The Minnesota State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his employees and sent an agent out to interview him."I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent."Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the village idiot who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, and pays his own room and board, but I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.""That's the guy I want to talk to - the village idiot," says the agent.
"That would be me" replied the farmer.
Two TV aerials met on a roof and fell in love.
I went to their wedding; the ceremony was crap but the reception was brilliant!
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I slept like a log last night: woke up in the fireplace!
I went to the doctor. He said I haven't seen you in a long while!
I said I've been ill!
I went into this surgery.
The main in the white coat said, "What's the problem?"
I said, "I keep thinking I'm a moth!"
He said, "What you need is a pyschiatrist: I'm a dentist. Why on earth did you come in here?"
I said, "The light was on!"
Did you hear about the homosexual butcher ?
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He put his mutton up a few coppers!
Well, if you are going to be rude, Leo....................
Last Christmas, a local authority decided to put on a panto where all the actors were either paranoid schizophrenics or homesexuals.
They had to close it after only one day when the stage hands kept shouting out "Is he behind you?"
A banker confused about maths, asks his secretary:
"If I give you £3 million less 17%, how much would you take off?
She replies: "Everything sir, the dress, the shoes, bra and g-string . . . ! ! !"
I want to die in my sleep like my old grandfather
not screaming in terror like his passengers.
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